


In the Darkness, a Touch

by deadcourf



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Coming Out, First War with Voldemort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Marauders' Era, Trans Male Character, Trans Remus, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 16:12:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3535799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadcourf/pseuds/deadcourf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can Remus trust Sirius with a secret he's kept since first year? Even so, later on in the First Wizarding War, can they trust each other enough to save their best friend's life?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Remus, his palms curled around the tufts of grass beneath the beech tree, threw his head back. The sun’s rays kissed his cheeks; the breeze tickled the hairs on his forearm, exposed because he had rolled up the sleeves of his Oxford. Sirius lay beside him with a book tucked under his head for a pillow. The weather today was much warmer than it had been earlier this week. This was the first time in a long time both Remus and Sirius had a free period to spend outside. Usually Remus was in the library or Sirius was with James running amok somewhere in the castle.

Today, however, they finally had time to themselves outside. And Remus was enjoying it in the silence that hung between them like a silk curtain. It wasn’t uncomfortable, not in the slightest, and Remus had a feeling that Sirius was enjoying it just as much as he was.

“Nice, isn’t it?” Sirius hummed.

Remus nodded, keeping his eyes closed against the glare of the sun. Too much would leave red patches on the tops of his cheeks and nose, but he didn’t care. Madam Pomfrey could dabble some kind of ointment on the raw skin when he saw her later, which reminded him…

“Sirius?”

“Yes, Moony?” his voice was a long drawl. The sun’s warmth made him groggy as well.

“Could you nick me something from the Great Hall tonight? I don’t think I’ll make it to dinner.”

A ruffling of grass and a soft grunt came from Sirius’ direction, or what Remus guessed was near Sirius. When the air around them stilled, Remus dared to open his eyes. In front of him sat Sirius, elbows rested casually on his knees, which hovered close to his chest. A chest that Remus has been wanting to touch, to explore, since their first year. Now, as sixth years, his desire has grown to be unbearable. He could never act on it though, not with him being… who he was.

“What?”

Sirius, who had been staring at Remus, shook his head. “I’m almost afraid to ask, mate.”

Remus shifted himself to face Sirius more comfortably. The blood in his veins began to pump more wildly; he could feel his chest tighten and the sound of his heart beating rose to fill his ears. “Ask what?”

“Why you’re always missing dinner, seeing Madam Pomfrey, being so… so secretive,” Sirius shook his head again. “It’s worrying.”

“I…” Remus opened and shut his mouth several times. He wasn’t expecting this moment to come so soon. And for it to be with Sirius. He had trouble constructing a lie that Sirius would believe, but his hesitation was enough to make Sirius even more suspicious.

“You can tell me.” Sirius leaned forward, “You can tell me anything, Remus.”

His eyes were light, trustworthy and honest like the friend he was. truly. If there was one person he could tell, it would be Sirius…

“I… um,” Remus covered his face in his hands, rubbed his eyes.

“Are you… gay?” Sirius guessed, one eyebrow popping up, disappearing beneath his shaggy hair.

“Well… that’s not…“ That had nothing to do with going to see Madam Pomfrey. Although it wasn’t exactly right, he wasn’t exactly wrong.

Remus did have feelings for _a_ boy. He liked boys, wanted to lay down with them and kiss them senselessly, but he wasn’t sure about the label that matched his identity. Could he still call himself gay if he were transgender? He was more male than he was female his first year at Hogwarts. Madam Pomfrey had been administering the muggle form of testosterone for the past three years. (His parents had made him wait until he was sure. For some reason, feeling the same at thirteen meant he was sure.)

“It’s okay if you are, you know.” Sirius sucked in a deep breath, releasing it abruptly. “Because, you know, I’m gay so it’s not like I would hate you for it. That’d make me a hypocrite wouldn’t it?”

A cloud passed over the sun and suddenly they were cloaked in shadow. Sirius’ eyes mirrored the sky above them - clear and bright, but hidden behind a cloud of security. He had come out of the proverbial closet to Remus. Was Remus now supposed to return the favor?

“Oh,” Remus whispered. Realizing how weak of a response that was, he cleared his throat and tried again. “I mean, I don’t know. I think I am, but… it’s complicated.”

“Well if you like blokes, then how complicated can it get?” Sirius chuckled. When he saw Remus turn his head toward the lake, his chuckle faded. “Why is it complicated?”

“I don’t exactly have the right,” Remus sighed. “Can you keep a secret, Sirius?”

He quickly nodded. “Of course, Remus. Anything, you know that.”

And Remus did know that. He’d always known that Sirius would go to the grave with whatever Remus confided in him. But this was a big secret. One that Remus had been hiding since first year. He had no idea how Sirius would react, if he would feel lied to or disappointed or disgusted. This was a leap into the void and Remus had to trust that Sirius would catch him. He had to trust that Sirius wouldn’t abandon him.

“I was born female,” he said, finally. “Third year I started taking testosterone. That’s why I go to Madam Pomfrey’s every week. It’s a muggle approach, but it works. That’s why I have a deeper voice, facial hair, everything.”

His voice gave out and he hung his head, his chin pressed to his chest. Underneath his Oxford, he felt the bump of fabric that was his binder, constricting his breasts so they appeared flat. He took as deep a breath he could, feeling the tight tank-top force his chest back down after so much air filled his lungs. He wished he could rip the binder off so he could breathe. If only he could breathe, gulp down deep breaths to calm his anxiety. An attack was bubbling up in his throat and he wanted nothing more than to choke it back to wherever it came from.

When he rose his head to peek at Sirius, he was surprised to see the boy standing by the water. Not being able to watch Sirius’ face as he reacted to Remus’ news frightened Remus. It frightened him more than he could say, actually. Sirius was so animated, having him walk away and hide his facial expression worried Remus. He didn’t have the courage to meet him by the water just yet. Sirius needed time, he told himself. Give him some time to digest the information and then go talk with him.

Just as he thought that, Sirius spun around and came trudging back to the tree. In one swoop, he bent forward to grab his robes and book and straightened to look Remus in the eyes.

“I’ll get you something from the Great Hall later,” he muttered.

In the blink of an eye, Sirius had disappeared from Remus’ view as he stalked back to the castle. Remus dared not to turn around and watch Sirius walk away from him. The anxiety from earlier bloomed in his chest like the orange blossoms kept in the greenhouse. He fought the urge to hyperventilate, to inhale the warm air as if he were chowing down on plates from the Welcoming Feast, but that was a battle naively fought.

Remus waited until it was the hour before his meeting with Madam Pomfrey when he decided to move from his place next to the tree. He was late to the infirmary, but Madam Pomfrey was with another student when he entered. She frowned at his sullen demeanor, but nothing she told him would lift his spirits. Not even the promise of progress in his treatments could take his mind off the image of Sirius turning away from him like he were one with the grass.

Small and easily forgettable.

Weak and easily burned.


	2. Chapter 2

There was no sign of the long, dark-haired boy that night in the Gryffindor Tower. James commented that he hadn’t seen Sirius in the Great Hall either. When asked if he had seen Sirius, Remus shook his head, lips pressed in a tight line. While although a lie, he would rather pretend that this afternoon hadn’t happened at all.

“It’s not like Sirius skipping out isn’t a norm,” James mumbled. “But missing dinner is totally unlike him, wouldn’t you agree?”

Peter popped up from underneath his covers, where he had already begun to snore. “Agreed.”

James nodded. “Right, so where is the bugger?”

“No idea,” Remus interjected. “But he’ll come back eventually right?”

The room grew still. Remus was - of course - correct, and the other boys all shuffled in agreement. Peter slid back under the covers to resume his delicate snoring. On the other hand, James stood erect, wide-awake with a burning in his eyes that Remus knew too well.

“He’s fine, James.” Remus sauntered over to where James stood, placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. “He might be taking the mickey out of Snape somewhere in the castle. Could be sneaking sweets out of Dumbledore’s office.”

“No, you’re right,” James sighed. “He’s just been acting a little off, lately. Have you noticed that?”

_Because, you know, I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m_

“Remus? _Remus._ ” James stood with his nose practically brushing against Remus’, his hand waving wildly. “Merlin, don’t you go weird on me, too, Moony.”

Remus sighed. He felt beneath him until his palm found the edge of his four-poster bed. Once fabric met skin, he collapsed onto the mattress. He had the unnatural urge to throw his arms out across the bed and scream, but that would seriously reassure James of his sanity, wouldn’t it?

“Sorry,” he yawned. The stress of the day was finally taking over his system, breaking him down and sucking him dry of energy. “I’ve just had a long day. Sirius will be back soon. He will.”

Curled up on the mattress, fully-clothed and laying above the covers, Remus fell into a deep sleep. Only, he woke early in the morning to the muffled breathing of Sirius Black as he crept to his empty bed.

“Siri,” he heard James whisper ferociously, “where in the hell have you been?”

Sirius stood beside the foot of his four-poster bed. His back was to James, and the moon peeking through the dormitory’s window illuminated his grim expression. Curious to see Sirius in such a dark mood, Remus poked his head out from under the covers, which he had slipped under during the night. He watched as Sirius responded without facing James.

“I was out in the Forbidden Forest and…”

“Oh, that’s bullshit,” James snorted. “Where were you, really?”

Sirius let out a harsh sigh and spun around. “Why do you always have to be the mother hen? I’m not your son nor your responsibility in any way, shape, or form. So why don’t you just shove it, alright?”

The animosity in Sirius’ words were more than palpable. Upon hearing - or rather, not hearing - James’ lack of a response, Remus returned to the safe haven beneath his covers. He couldn’t be the reason behind Sirius’ bad mood… could he? The thought of Sirius hating him, or resenting their friendship, because Remus had been lying to him for six years, would surely be the death of him.

Although he knew it would never happen, Remus worried that Sirius would out him as trans to James and Peter. Or maybe even the entire school. But Sirius wouldn’t… he wasn’t that type of person. He cared about Remus, didn’t he? Despite what Remus had done?

He was tempted to confront Sirius now, get it all over with, but it was obvious that Sirius wasn’t in the mood. The sun was already coming up over the lake and soon the boys would be waking up for breakfast. This could have all been a dream, and come a decent hour in the morning, James and Sirius would be on good terms and be joking around like they always do.

As Remus turned over in bed, though, he had a bad feeling about a day that hadn’t even started yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was super short and not really anything important, but at least we know Sirius is upset!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally we figure out what Sirius has been thinking...

When Remus woke the next morning, he stretched his arms wide above his head, yawning. Having completely forgotten the stressful events of yesterday, he stood up out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom. Thankfully for him it was only stalls, no urinals. He didn’t have to face questions of why he always used the stall because everyone did.

For once he wasn’t alone.

It had taken him a while to understand that his situation wasn’t unique. Others like himself had dealt with similar issues and roadblocks and doctors appointments like he had. Except the only stories he had heard were about Muggles. Where were the witches and wizards in _his_ world that were transitioning like he was?

Not only that, but where were the witches and wizards that were genderfluid, agender, bigender, anything other than cisgender? Where were they?

Remus sighed as he closed the stall door behind him. These were normally the questions he asked himself every morning. And every morning he felt exasperated that he didn’t know the answers. Some days he wondered that, if he did come out to the school, then would other LGBTQ students approach him? They could form their own community; they could be _together_.

_Except the only ‘togetherness’ I currently want is with Sirius, and that is far from becoming reality after yesterday._

Yesterday. Remus groaned. With his luck, Sirius would still be avoiding Remus today like he was the day before, after hearing about Remus’… _situation_.

_No,_ he told himself, _don’t treat it that way. This is who you are. Embrace it and love yourself. Don’t let Sirius get in the way of that. At the end of the day, you have to —_

But he didn’t have the chance to finish his own little pep talk. Standing in front of the bathroom sink, his eyes beginning to redden from the tears building up on his lashes, Remus spun around to see who had just opened the bathroom door. He hurried to clear his vision, rubbed the tears away, sniffled a bit. _Great, one humiliating day after another. Just perfect._

Once he could see, Remus blinked against the harsh light streaming in through the bathroom window. His heart thudded loudly in his chest when he realized who stood before him.

Sirius stood just as quietly in front of Remus, his fingers tapping restlessly by his side. His eyes slid to the side to look at the stall Remus had just come out of. Thinking Sirius probably wanted the bathroom to himself, Remus dropped his gaze to the fuzzy slippers on his feet.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “I’ll go.”

He pushed himself away from the sink and made a move for the door, but Sirius grabbed his elbow. The soft touch of his skin, the pad of his thumb on the crook of Remus’ elbow, it was all too much. Suddenly the tears were flowing freely down Remus’ cheeks and Sirius was pulling him into a tight embrace. The silent tears quickly turned into messy sobs that Sirius squeezed out of him. He didn’t care anymore that he was wearing one less layer and that Sirius could possibly feel his small breasts beneath the cotton of his undershirt and tank top. All he cared about was the smell of Sirius’ hair and the warmth of his breath on Remus’ neck.

It was a while before either of them spoke.

“I’m sorry,” Remus finally choked out. “I should’ve… I thought that… there was just _so many_ …”

Sirius hushed him. “Please, stop talking, love. You sound like a dying cat.”

That made Remus exhale a breathy giggle, paired with a hiccup escaping his lungs. He could always count on Sirius to say something so absurd to cheer him up. Even if he had previously assumed that Sirius now hated him and would never speak to him again. Funny how the world works in such mysterious ways like that…

“Plus, you shouldn’t be the sorry one,” Sirius continued, his voice barely above a whisper. “I was a tosser and walked away when I should’ve stayed with you. I don’t care about who you were before, Remus. Well, I mean, I _care_ , but like, it doesn’t… what I’m _trying to say_ is—“

“I know,” Remus interrupted, leaning back and placing a hand on Sirius’ chest. “I know what you’re trying to say. And thank you, for trying to say it.”

Sirius smiled, the corners of his lips twitching ever so slightly. In that moment, Remus realized just how close they actually were: both he and Sirius, and their lips. In that moment, Remus thought how easy he could just lean forward, close the gap, make a reality the dream he had had for so many years.

“Moony,” Sirius said. Except he had more so mouthed the word instead of actually saying it. Their eyes met, Sirius’ eyelashes dangerously close to Remus’, their noses touching, their breath hot against each other’s cheeks. “Moony, I—“

“Just, shut it, would you,” Remus murmured, deciding that this was the one moment in his life he could have control over.

So he took a dive in and pressed his lips to Sirius’ chapped ones. As soon as he did so, the two boys were lip-locked and hands were grabbing for any shred of clothing close enough and teeth were knocking against each other and Remus’ slippers were sliding along the tile to bring him closer, ever closer to Sirius.

They stayed that way, kissing and grabbing, hands and tongues exploring, until they heard a commotion in the dormitory. Both of them immediately gasped and broke away from their embrace, breathing heavily and staring at each other with widened eyes and gaping mouths. Remus desperately fought the urge to cry. He had waited so long, _so so so long_ , to kiss his best friend, he was almost relieved that he had finally been given the chance.

“SIRIUS BLACK THE THIRD, WHERE IN THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?”

Remus and Sirius whipped their heads around to stare at the bathroom door.

“James,” they both said. If Prongs saw them in here like this, there was sure to be some sort of freak out, possibly another friend avoiding Remus for an entire afternoon. _Except Sirius isn’t avoiding me anymore. Quite the opposite actually… Oh quit that, pay attention._

He snapped his attention back to the present situation and quickly tried to think of a plan. Not like they couldn’t pretend they had gone to the bathroom at the same time. But given that their current feelings for each other had just been revealed and they were acting like shy first years around one another, James would be suspicious that _something_ was going on.

“I’ll go out, head down, say you’re in here,” said Remus. “Sound alright?”

Sirius nodded absentmindedly, still staring at the door. “Sounds peachy, Moony. When can we, um, you know… pick this up again?”

“Later, after dinner sometime. I don’t know. But we will talk later, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah, we will. Okay, go on then.”

Remus gave Sirius a swift kiss on the cheek before leaving the bathroom. He passed James, who stood tall on Sirius’ bed, and muttered, “He’s in there,” before making his way over to his dresser. Not bothering to brush his hair or anything, he grabbed a school sweater, his shoes and slid into a fresh pair of pants before darting out of the dormitory. He’d head to the library until he could clear his head and think about kissing Sirius without blushing every time he did.

However, he feared his hopes for that were a little too high; his cheeks were still burning long after ducking out of the common room and into the hallway, blending into the sparse crowd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry i haven't updated in basically a year? 
> 
> oops, but honestly i am Back and Ready to get going with this!!!
> 
> also i'm sorry if any of this is just bleck bc i haven't really written fic in a long time so it'll take me a bit to get back into it x


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus + Sirius have a heart to heart in the library.

The library was normally Remus’ safe place, where he could find a secluded corner tucked in between a couple bookshelves and sit in silence. There were times when he would even wake before dawn, grab his school books and a cup of coffee from the kitchen (where the house elves knew his name and constantly offered him sweets), securing a spot in the library before it was hounded by other do-gooders like him. It was during these times that Remus felt truly alone; not in the sense that he was helpless, but that he had a moment to think for himself.

Living with the boys didn’t exactly give him more than a second to breathe. They were always on the move, always restless, and always looking for some kind of trouble. Sure, of course there were days when they just hung out down at Hogsmeade or down by the lake, but more often than not were they up to some kind of mischief. Sometimes Remus needed a solid day (or two) to rest. Today, especially after the events of the past twenty-four hours, was one of those days.

For the past two weeks, Remus had been using one of his usual spots in the library to do his homework and practice some new spells. The spells were mostly a couple of odd charms that didn’t serve any purpose other than to amuse himself; he also managed to procure ones that he secretly thought that Sirius would like. Now that they were…. _something_ …. maybe he could finally show Sirius what he had been up to on the days he disappeared to the library without really saying where he had went. But by now he assumed that the others knew he was here without question. Where else would he be anyway?

After about an hour messing with one of the newer charms (one that recreated constellations in his palm), Sirius proved his assumptions to be true. The dark haired boy slipped through a narrow opening between two bookcases and met Remus’ wary gaze. They both released a small breath at the same time. Sirius threw one last look over his shoulder before hopping over to where Remus sat on a windowsill.

“I figured you’d be here,” he whispered, nudging Remus’ foot with his own. A wispy strand fell into his eyes and he swept it back in one smooth wave of his hand. Remus didn’t say anything and shrugged instead.

Now that he knew what Sirius’ lips tasted like, he wasn’t positive if he could focus on anything else.

“Where else would I be?” he smirked. Closing his palm into a fist, he said, “Besides, I was hoping that maybe you would try to find me before dinner.”

He watched as he flexed his fingers, the constellation now completely gone, and heard Sirius snicker. The sound alone made him smile. He liked this new connection between them. Somehow he felt he could be even more sarcastic, more of a fool, in front of Sirius without really being self-conscious of what he was saying… or implying.

“Well, here I am,” Sirius muttered.

Remus finally peered through his eyelashes to meet Sirius’ gaze. He could only wait a few seconds before slipping his wand behind his ear and leaning forward to grab the sides of Sirius’ face. Their lips locked for the second time that morning and Remus tried to quell the butterflies building up in his stomach. Everything about Sirius was soft: his cheeks, his lips, the hair that fell forward to frame his eyes, his touch. Before he knew it, Remus was blushing and pushing Sirius away, trying to catch his breath.

“Wow.” He covered his mouth to muffle a giggle, shaking his head. “Wow, I can’t believe this is actually happening.”

Sirius furrowed his brow as he frowned. “Why do you say that?”

“Oh god, where do I begin?” Remus dropped his hand and let himself laugh aloud. “Should I go all the way back to first year when I saw you step off the train? How I thought you were the most beautiful human being I had ever seen in my whole entire 11-year-old life? Or maybe during the Sorting Hat’s song, when I realized maybe I would be in Ravenclaw and you in Gryffindor, and then we wouldn’t have any classes together. For some reason that seemed like the end of the world to me.

“But then we were both sorted into Gryffindor and I thought I would lose my mind. I wanted to jog over to where you sat, introduce myself and all that, but I was too nervous. I was sweating _profusely_ , oh it was terrible.”

They bother laughed at the image of a younger Remus, nervous about merely saying hello to the other boy. Looking back, it seemed so silly to think that there was all of that worrying for nothing; because that same night the four boys who were now closer to being men became brothers, united by mischief. Their bond secured by friendship.

Now Remus worried if that bond would crack, what with him and Sirius being… _involved._

“And then, suddenly I wasn’t so afraid anymore. I saw you with James and Peter and thought, maybe it wasn’t so hard to open up to people. Then again, I had only just begun to go by Remus and convince my parents that I wasn’t the little girl they had always assumed they had. They were very considerate of how I felt, bless them, but it still felt like I was walking on eggshells around you lot, in the beginning.

“But I tried to be myself and not worry about _every little thing._ For a while it worked. I felt normal and happy and being with you… not just the whole group, but with _you_ specifically… being with you was almost wholesome?”

At this point, Remus had to stop himself. He had already felt like he had babbled too much and was going to scare Sirius off. After all these years and this would be the moment when he said too much or revealed himself too soon. Those countless nightmares where he dreamt that Sirius left him, stranded, with the sickening dread that things between them would never be the same. It was that same feeling now that cut his words short and drove him to silence. Finally, he looked up to meet Sirius’ gaze and see what the other boy thought about his long and painfully emotional monologue.

It shocked him to see Sirius Black, the absolute wittiest person he knew, speechless. Remus automatically took that kind of reaction the wrong way.

“I’ve said to much, haven’t I?” he blanched. “I’m sorry, Sirius, but you know how I can just—“

“Remus,” Sirius interrupted, his voice gentle. “You haven’t said enough, really.”

Now it was Remus’ turn to ask, “Why do you say that?”

Sirius shrugged. “Because there are so many things I don’t know about you and I want to know them all. I thought that, having known each other for six years, we would know everything about each other. I can’t believe I’ve been wrong this whole time.”

That last one struck a distant chord within Remus. He had heard that sentiment many times before, all of them hurting him in some way. In that moment, he worried that he had been wrong about Sirius…

Until the other boy said hurriedly, “Oh, shit, wait. That’s not what I meant. I mean, like, I haven’t been paying enough attention. Here I am, thinking I know everything because I always have to know everything. I assume things, really, when I don’t know my ass from my elbow most days. What I’m trying to say is: I want to start over… kind of. I want to _know_ you, Remus John Lupin.”

“Not the middle name, too,” Remus groaned.

“Yes, Moony, the middle name, too. Trust me when I say that I want to know all of you, every bit, and I also want to kiss you.”

Despite his earlier reservations, Remus decided that both of those things would be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i plan on updating this once a week (although i'm a little late with this chapter bc i was away for the weekend) probably on thursdays so keep an eye out!!!
> 
> also thank you all so far for the wonderful feedback, you don't know how much it means to me! x


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the darkness, there are stars to guide you home...
> 
> AKA, it's their last year at Hogwarts and the boys find themselves comforting each other like always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I never updated this as much as I wanted to, but I'm happy to see how it ends. Thank you to all for reading and enjoying this little story of mine. I love these two so much, I hope you do too <3
> 
> (find me at http://softegrantaire.tumblr.com where the wolfstar content continues!!!)

“Ready?”

Remus looked over at his boyfriend of nearly two years and nodded.

“I’m ready to get this over with, if that’s what you mean,” he sighed.

Together, he and Sirius stood in front of the door to the infirmary, where Madam Pomfrey sat waiting to give Remus his last T-shot of the school year. He had dreaded this day for a while, since his last shot really, because it meant he was going home — or so he thought.

The war had been growing in size, on could say, over the past few months. The Dark Lord — whose name no one dared to speak — was rising with enough followers that the sheer size of their _organization_ made Remus sick to his stomach. If Vold… If the _Dark Lord_ felt so strongly about Muggle-borns and exterminating them for good, what would he have to say about gay transboys? Surely, Remus was on some kind of list in the Dark Lord’s back pocket, titled ‘To Brutally Slaughter Later’.

“I know you’re thinking about it,” Sirius said, nudging him in the side.

Remus shrugged in response. Instead of facing Sirius to offer a proper reply, he instead pushed the infirmary door open and strolled over to Madam Pomfrey’s office. She sat at her small desk with a quill in her hand, the tip dripping with an obsidian-colored ink. Tapping the quill against the rim of the inkwell, Madam Pomfrey only managed to look up when Remus cleared his throat. She almost dropped the quill out of surprise.

“Oh, Remus! You’re here early,” she said hurriedly, shoving her papers to the side. “Give me one moment and I will get you all settled. Just a moment.”

Remus tried to wiggle his shoulders into a more comfortable position while he watched Madam Pomfrey scramble to get his things ready.

“It’s okay, don’t rush. I have nowhere to be anytime soon.”

“Speak for yourself, mate,” Sirius mumbled.

Remus barked a laugh, “What did you just call me?”

“Mate,” Sirius said, sticking his tongue out. “You know how impatient I am. Plus, I have… somewhere special to take you after this.”

_Somewhere special?_ Remus tilted his head to the side, curious. _Sirius hasn’t said anything about taking me anywhere, let alone somewhere special._

“Alright, dear,” Madam Pomfrey cleared her throat. “One pinch and you are free to go. And this is your last one! Time passes so quickly here, doesn't it?”

Her voice trailed off into a whisper as she stared off into space, her eyes focusing on a spot far behind them. Remus even bothered to turn around to see what she was looking at — which was nothing.

“M-Madam Pomfrey?” Sirius stuttered, his tone wary.

She snapped herself out of it and smiled. “Sorry, dears. A bit preoccupied this morning, aren’t I? Here, let’s sit you down for a moment, Remus.”

Remus plopped down into the seat by the window, sliding his trousers down far enough and turning, exposing enough flesh for the needle, but not enough to send Sirius into a frenzy. He looked over briefly to meet his boyfriend’s gaze — a mistake — and rolled his eyes at Sirius wiggling his brow.

Madam Pomfrey was right. He felt a single pinch in his thigh and suddenly it was over. The year was over. Soon final exams would be over and they would all be headed home. Hopefully. With more news from the warfront coming in every second, who knew where they would be tomorrow. Maybe they wouldn’t even leave the school grounds. Maybe Dumbledore would keep them here as a precaution.

After all, they wouldn’t want any dead students on their hands.

“Thank you,” Remus whispered once he had fixed his trousers and stood up. “Thank you for everything, Madam Pomfrey.”

She waved both of them out of the office, stifling back tears and sniffling as she did so. Neither of them wanted to stay another minute for fear of being roped into a long, emotional conversation about the present situation (involving them graduating, the war, and other oddities). However, Remus was compelled to linger one second longer to leave a peck on Madam Pomfrey’s cheek. The affection left her speechless and stunned in the doorway to her office. As she watched the boys walk away, she pressed her fingertips to the spot on her cheek.

She smiled.

“That was nice of you,” Sirius said once they had re-entered the hallway.

Remus smiled softly, shrugged again. “It was the best I could do. She’s done so much for me these past seven years. I couldn’t just… _not_.”

Leaning over to take Remus’ hand, Sirius squeezed their palms together tightly not once, but twice. This encouraged Remus to meet his boyfriend’s steady gaze, one that had the promise of something more today. An adventure, possibly, a surprise.

“So,” Remus began, brow raised, “where is this special somewhere you have to bring me?”

Sirius bumped his hip against Remus’ side. “It’s nowhere particularly special, _but_ it _is_ somewhere particularly important on a day such as today.”

“And what kind of day is today?”

“The beginning of an end, my dear Moony. And the birth of another beginning.”

“ _Merlin’s beard_ , I hate it when you try to be eloquent.”

“Try? Remus how dare you! I am the epitome of eloquence.”

Remus rolled his eyes and tugged Sirius’ arm forward as he took a step.

“Come on, then. Show me.”

 

Five minutes later and Remus was sitting beneath the familiar tree poised beside the lake. He sat with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows and his head tilted back to enjoy the summer sun. His anxiety for the last final exam teetered at the edge of his mind. With one last shove, it vanished from his thoughts, giving him more space to daydream of kissing Sirius outside of the classroom once he had finished his Advanced Muggle Studies exam. In fact, if Sirius could read his thoughts, he would know that he actually would prefer to start kissing him now instead…

Remus popped one eye open, disappointed that his boyfriend was, in fact, not a mind reader. The other boy stood at the edge of the lake, the tips of his toes just barely touching the water. Sirius had rolled up his pants legs far enough for him to wade into the lake about a foot or so. However, he stood mesmerized by the sight before them.

The surface of the lake sat motionless, like glass, reflecting the clear blue sky. In this reflection, Remus could see the smallest of clouds floating above them. He thought of the horror currently manifesting beyond the school’s grounds and wished that those little clouds would bring sunnier, happier times.

“Stop doing that,” Sirius said over his shoulder.

“Aha!” Remus smirked. “So you _can_ read minds, hm?”

“No, I have this wonderful capability of being intuitive, you see.”

“Oh, do you know?”

Sirius sighed. “I suppose I need to be.”

The underlying tone in Sirius’ voice was enough for Remus to stand and waltz over to where he stood by the lake. Remus took Sirius’ hand with one of his own and placed the other on Sirius’ cheek.

“Look at me,” he whispered. He waited until Sirius slid his eyes over to look at him. “You need to stop doing that just as well.”

“I can’t help it, Remus. We’re in a goddamn war, for Merlin’s sake. One of us has to be thinking about it and I never want it to be you.”

Remus furrowed his brow, dropped his hand from Sirius’ face. “What does that mean?”

“I don’t want you to ever be worried about this war, Remus. That’s what that means. I don’t want you to ever be in harm’s way or throw yourself into the mix of things. I want us to be safe together, of course, but I would rather sacrifice myself than see you join this bloody war.”

Sirius’ charged rant caused Remus to take a step backward. He hadn’t thought of the possibility of himself being thrown into the chaos of the war against You-Know-Who. Or his friends. Or Sirius.

If Sirius were to join the war… if he were to die in the war… Well, that wasn’t something Remus had the capacity to think about right now.

“I love you, Remus,” Sirius whispered, taking both of Remus’ hands in his calloused ones. “I want you to remember that until the day you die. I love you.”

“I love you just the same,” Remus said.

He leaned forward to gently kiss the dark-haired boy. The stood, lips locked, for quite some time. It wasn’t until both of their stomaches began to growl that they tore themselves away from each other.

“Hold on, before we go,” Remus took a good step back from Sirius. “I have something to show you.”

“I hope it’s some kind of strip tease.”

“Shut up, I worked hard on this.”

Remus held his arms out in front of him, palms facing the warm sun above their heads. He closed his eyes and took one long, deep breath. When he reopened his eyes, he saw the magic he had created in the palms of his hands, stunning Sirius into silence.

Floating just above the tips of his fingers was the greatest constellation in the sky, Canis Major. And the star that stood a mere two feet away from him was the brightest star in the bunch.

“It’s beautiful,” Sirius murmured.

“It reminds me of you. I’ve been working on it since before we first kissed. I thought it was fitting to show it to you here, now, where this whole thing began.”

Sirius chuckled, softly, closing the distance between them. Once Remus lowered his hands, the constellation disappeared, but Sirius quickly filled the space where it had once been. He would always fill that space, as long as he was with Remus. In the darkness, Sirius was the light that guided the stars home. In the darkness, his touch was what reminded Remus of what home could be.

And that was Sirius.


End file.
